when my body starts to twitch
hands been trembling
but my mind's wide awake
I want to do more!
I'm going to crash when I tuck myself in.
Wednesday, March 30
baby steps for my baby
Hello, hope!
It's nice having you around.
Thanks for picking me up, it's been a mess lately.
Stay around for a while, okay?
Its nice to be able to walk on my own two feet again.
My legs still tremble from weakness sometimes,
but you were right,
I will be okay and I see it now
I might fall but what matters is picking myself back up.
Its nearly April and only now the heaviness in me is starting to wear off. New starts really give a breath of fresh air to everything. When the world crushes your rose-tinted glasses and you still find reason to smile, you know that something good comes from the bad. Despite the agony endured, you know that at least you have lived. What is life if you have not loved and been loved? What is life if you have not known pain? Look it in the eye and say, "Bring it on." Happiness is a form of courage. A courage I'm still trying to grasp.
Its the courage to let your heart be vulnerable. Only in that open state will it be able to experience beauty. But when one opens their heart, the bad will also be attracted to it. And then that reflex system, that defense mechanism of cynicism and distrust. That is my problem. I'm ashamed of it. But I admit to it. And I try. I try.
My new phone came in the mail today! I was so excited, waiting for the delivery guy. Opening the parcel and admiring my new gadget. It was sad to move from one phone to another. I know, I know, its JUST a phone. But it has sentimental value. It marked a transition, a phase of my life. It also marked my time with him. I never owned anything fancy. Everything I had was only out of necessity. But here I was, I could actually afford something I used to only admire! Suddenly everything was possible. It was a phase of total independence. My mistake was forgetting about the responsibility that came with it. So I pushed limits, took risks. Over and over. And having to bear the consequences, knowing that the only one to blame is myself. When will I stop? I should stop being so self-destructive. I don't like all this hurt. I'm not as cold-hearted as some people make me out to be. But..
ANYWAY. Rambling. Dear dear me. Been a while since I wrote. Back to talking about new starts.
Besides the phone, I just got a bunch of prints today! And I'm happy. Can't beat the feeling of seeing your picture on a glossy piece of paper, smiling at you. New prints to go up on the wall, to fill those empty spaces. The gaps made me sad, thinking of what was there. The smiles it used to bring. The ache it causes now. The past digs up such nostalgia. Sigh.
Work work work to be done. I am much too calm. But the encouragement of next week brings a new determination to my work. I don't just have to. I want to. And then when all is done, the relief it will bring. That relief that is essential for next week. Next week! New sights, new faces, new pictures, new music. God knows how all of us need this. We all need a break. We all need release.
Next week! A whole bunch of film, cameras are ready.
Diana, Vivitar, Olympus, Canon.
Toy and toy and proper and compact.
Blackwhite and Xpro and Classic and Easy.
Will it be enough? Doesn't matter. We will make it enough. Throw me in a room with them and I'm happy already. The beautiful setting? Just a bonus.
Next week!
It's nice having you around.
Thanks for picking me up, it's been a mess lately.
Stay around for a while, okay?
Its nice to be able to walk on my own two feet again.
My legs still tremble from weakness sometimes,
but you were right,
I will be okay and I see it now
I might fall but what matters is picking myself back up.
Its nearly April and only now the heaviness in me is starting to wear off. New starts really give a breath of fresh air to everything. When the world crushes your rose-tinted glasses and you still find reason to smile, you know that something good comes from the bad. Despite the agony endured, you know that at least you have lived. What is life if you have not loved and been loved? What is life if you have not known pain? Look it in the eye and say, "Bring it on." Happiness is a form of courage. A courage I'm still trying to grasp.
Its the courage to let your heart be vulnerable. Only in that open state will it be able to experience beauty. But when one opens their heart, the bad will also be attracted to it. And then that reflex system, that defense mechanism of cynicism and distrust. That is my problem. I'm ashamed of it. But I admit to it. And I try. I try.
My new phone came in the mail today! I was so excited, waiting for the delivery guy. Opening the parcel and admiring my new gadget. It was sad to move from one phone to another. I know, I know, its JUST a phone. But it has sentimental value. It marked a transition, a phase of my life. It also marked my time with him. I never owned anything fancy. Everything I had was only out of necessity. But here I was, I could actually afford something I used to only admire! Suddenly everything was possible. It was a phase of total independence. My mistake was forgetting about the responsibility that came with it. So I pushed limits, took risks. Over and over. And having to bear the consequences, knowing that the only one to blame is myself. When will I stop? I should stop being so self-destructive. I don't like all this hurt. I'm not as cold-hearted as some people make me out to be. But..
ANYWAY. Rambling. Dear dear me. Been a while since I wrote. Back to talking about new starts.
Besides the phone, I just got a bunch of prints today! And I'm happy. Can't beat the feeling of seeing your picture on a glossy piece of paper, smiling at you. New prints to go up on the wall, to fill those empty spaces. The gaps made me sad, thinking of what was there. The smiles it used to bring. The ache it causes now. The past digs up such nostalgia. Sigh.
Work work work to be done. I am much too calm. But the encouragement of next week brings a new determination to my work. I don't just have to. I want to. And then when all is done, the relief it will bring. That relief that is essential for next week. Next week! New sights, new faces, new pictures, new music. God knows how all of us need this. We all need a break. We all need release.
Next week! A whole bunch of film, cameras are ready.
Diana, Vivitar, Olympus, Canon.
Toy and toy and proper and compact.
Blackwhite and Xpro and Classic and Easy.
Will it be enough? Doesn't matter. We will make it enough. Throw me in a room with them and I'm happy already. The beautiful setting? Just a bonus.
Next week!
Sunday, March 27
udah.
rasa mok nampar dirik.
dah gik, dah gik.
Time to put away the thick layers.
Old pictures tucked away in hidden envelopes.
Unsent notes kept out of reach.
Time to take out the records.
Lazing on the duvets outside.
Shades and floral dresses.
Walks in the parks.
Admiring the blooms.
Open the windows
Time for a new leash of fresh air.
Saturday, March 26
hey stranger,
you've shown me how much one person can impact another's life.
there was nothing much for you to come back to last summer.
was it love? it was for me.
five thousand miles for a girl who couldn't promise you a future.
fourteen hours for the memory of a kiss.
thousands of greens for unfinished business of the heart.
eight months for a fortnight of uncertainty.
young blood.
rushing in.
foolish, much?
it could have been awkward.
things could have changed.
expectations could have ruined reality.
what if. what if. what if.
but for fourteen days,
a miracle.
every second was perfection.
thank you for taking the risk.
I'm volatile. I'm trouble. I'm a child.
our careless ways have done their damage.
the way we knew they would.
our shadows haunt each other
the way they always did.
but now
you've found your ground.
I'm still drifting.
you've found your future.
I'm still experimenting.
what we had was a moment.
and moments pass.
it is your time.
there were enough obstacles.
that last one - the heart of another.
that drew the line.
it is your time.
so, go along now.
far away.
one day, we'll talk.
not today.
go along now.
far away.
because you should.
because you're no longer mine.
because the thought of your gaze, hurts.
because its agony to watch a happiness I used to have.
because I wanna protect my heart from you.
I used to be independent.
leave me be,
I need to find myself.
one day we'll talk.
not today.
there was nothing much for you to come back to last summer.
was it love? it was for me.
five thousand miles for a girl who couldn't promise you a future.
fourteen hours for the memory of a kiss.
thousands of greens for unfinished business of the heart.
eight months for a fortnight of uncertainty.
young blood.
rushing in.
foolish, much?
it could have been awkward.
things could have changed.
expectations could have ruined reality.
what if. what if. what if.
but for fourteen days,
a miracle.
every second was perfection.
thank you for taking the risk.
I'm volatile. I'm trouble. I'm a child.
our careless ways have done their damage.
the way we knew they would.
our shadows haunt each other
the way they always did.
but now
you've found your ground.
I'm still drifting.
you've found your future.
I'm still experimenting.
what we had was a moment.
and moments pass.
it is your time.
there were enough obstacles.
that last one - the heart of another.
that drew the line.
it is your time.
so, go along now.
far away.
one day, we'll talk.
not today.
go along now.
far away.
because you should.
because you're no longer mine.
because the thought of your gaze, hurts.
because its agony to watch a happiness I used to have.
because I wanna protect my heart from you.
I used to be independent.
leave me be,
I need to find myself.
one day we'll talk.
not today.
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