November

Currently hooked to Drake's "Hold On We're Going Home". No special reason, might have been that Ian Eastwood video, the Michael Jackson-esque beats and the lack of profanity in the lyrics.

Give it a listen :)

My one week getaway was the breath of fresh air I needed. Or a combination of many, many factors. 

I've somehow managed to overcome work fatigue. You could call it coming to terms with the situation, but keeping my eyes on the goals I want, and how I want to get there. 

If there is one thing I have learnt, it's that when it comes to the make-or-break decisions, the most important person to consult is myself. If I doubt myself, why would someone else be convinced?

I don't know about you, but too often I've made decisions for others. How would my parents react? What would my friends say? Will my boyfriend be okay with it? What can I offer my employer? How can I serve God better?

And as soon as I slip up, I beat myself up so badly, I end up wallowing in self pity, take forever to move on and find myself back where I started. I am my worst critic. 

This year has been the most times I've been asked, "What do you want?"

Sometimes, in frustration. Sometimes, with genuine concern. Sometimes out of plain curiosity. 

I used to think, "Does it really matter?" but after being asked so many times, I guess I really do come off as a lost child just lapping up whatever comes her way, eager to please, hoping for a break.

I've been supporting my boyfriend at his marathons, these past few months. And in those hours waiting for him to run past the finish line, whilst battling extreme anxiety and worry, I think a lot about what he is going through, about how people often compare marathons to life itself. 

All our formative years as a child, a teen, a young adult, we have been "in training". Some people start their race early, some start a little later. Either way, the road is the same, the challenges, for the most part, are the same. 

I've witnessed and learnt that despite the exhaustion and pain, it's possible with pure persistence and sheer will. Your bodies might probably crumble at a tiny nudge but that one important factor keeping it all together is the right state of mind, the right focus. 

Every time I greet my boyfriend past the finish line, part of me is in panic, hoping he will not collapse, another part of me is just swelling with pride at his achievement. At this point, he is at his weakest, physically. 

But his face lights up as soon as he lays eyes on me and he hobbles forward to give me a kiss, "I didn't want you to wait too long, so I wanted to finish the best I can." Really? After all that? I would have said "I just want to go home now." But no, that's usually the first thing he says to me. 

It often makes me think, when I am going through a difficult time, and the finish line seems like a long way off, how often do I keep my eyes forward and remind myself of what is waiting for me at the end? How strong is that determination to push me through? What is it that is at the end, actually? 

That is when I realize that everyone was asking the right question all along. What is it that I want? 

Do I know it? 

Good. 

Now chase it.