'It hasn't been what I hoped for'

It has been a while since a single song spoke straight to the heart, to my vulnerability. Straight past the silent, vacant exterior I've come to adopt.

A friend posted up recently, mentioning how the time after graduation needs some serious soul-searching. No more exams to work for, nothing to hide behind in times of doubt. Who are you? Who do you want to become? Are you really willing to give everything you have to get there?

For me, it means summoning up the courage to take a huge leap of faith, swallowing bitter truths, face obstacles head on and keeping my chin up, no matter what.

For me, it means always holding on to what I already have, so I won't be drowning in what I don't.

'Do you need something more than this?'

not much longer. coming up for air before diving deeper in.

a short escape from this tangled web. getting lost in unknown streets, a different language, a new landscape, and hopefully, a refreshed perspective. much of me is a bit nervous. trying not to think of what I have to come back to, but come back stronger, I will. I have to.

I want an ukulele. 

Okay, that's it. A part of me definitely needs some help.

I can't even stitch together a simple video and it's been half baked for ages. Even the actual footage was sloppy and that seldom comes from me if I'm the one behind the camera :( It's very frustrating. It's one of those things that usually comes naturally to me. Not anymore.

I woke up early Saturday morning for that precious 'me' time. I had toast, coffee, music and my notebook. My usual set up. But instead of busy scribbling my heart out, I just ended up sitting on the floor of my apartment balcony with an open notebook with only two lines written and I couldn't squeeze out anything more. I just couldn't.

All these emotions in me were jammed shut inside. My usual mediums of expression - words, photos, videos, music, all were stuck. Just tears.

I looked out to the dawn skyline, breathed in the cool morning air, tried to dismiss the sound of early morning traffic, closed my eyes ... And felt so out of place.

For the first time in a long time, I couldn't write. All that came to me was an overwhelming emptiness. Trying not to let memories of better times keep me in the past.

I wish I could just stop everything and start over anew.

I also wish it was that easy.

Never thought I could ever feel this lost.