dua ribu sebelas macam babi. 


Right now in my mind, a lot of what I am now starts in twenty-oh-nine. September was the start of many things. The few months left in that year. All events in those months, the decisions, conversations, relationships built and broken. Its effect lasts till today. Like a fresh wound. Yes, today. In twenty-eleven. The events fresh in my mind. Was it really two years ago? 


Oh but it was a good year indeed, a good end to remember, twenty-oh-nine. Probably the most extreme highs and lows in my history of twenty years, that was twenty-ten. Uncertainty, followed by anticipation and then bliss! The fairytale sort of bliss. The sort of bliss that's almost magical. But all good things come to an end. Or almost. Things that I'd rather forget ensued. Days when in the blistering heat of summer, I lost myself and everything I hoped for crashed. Hope can make you so strong and fragile at the same time. Don't you think? Ever since, it has been a bit of a downward spiral. I flew halfway across the world, away from hurt, and love. With a broken self. Thinking I'd get a brand new start. Oh no, twenty-ten did not promise anything since. It had a bumpy end. The final moments were calm. Too calm. Too quiet. 


Then twenty-eleven came. I don't know what I hope for anymore. I look for myself in the eyes of those who've known me forever. Struggling and hoping to dear God that if I could regain just a flicker of myself, somehow I'll make it through without any regrets. Regret that I did not live my life, that I was too busy battling with the shadows in my mind, I forgot about the things that used to make me smile. 


I don't want to live just merely making it through the day. But sometimes there does not seem to be any other way around it. You think you know what you want. Then shit happens. And nothing makes sense anymore and there isn't any time to make any sense of it all when the world is breathing down your neck, demanding so much of you. 


You just cope, the best you can. Until one day, you find the glimmer of passion. And capture it. And never let go. That passion. The passion for life.