dear you

you know its you that echoes in my head everyday. so much so that my days are now such a blur. few are the days where I actually feel alive. you made me feel alive. and I hate to admit now my soul's a wasteland of emotions and memories. and I hate how distracted I've let myself become. trying to lose myself in work and in crowds but it doesn't ease the pain. the cracks in me are showing.  


I keep telling myself to get my act back together. but it only lasts for a while and then I catch a glimpse of you and I break all over again. I'm running out of things to tell myself to soothe the wounds. I give in to myself, I will run after you. only to realize its just foolish of me. there is not much I can change. I'll long for the day the world will just leave us alone and let me be with you. 


I understood our situation, I understood why we had to part. and it makes me sad. I thought I accepted it. but the pain of actually going separate ways jolts me awake. I still want you. you're still the one I will reach out for in the hazy mornings when I'm drifting between sleep and wake. I remember your side of the bed. how I fall asleep before you come to bed, and waking up to you. how you would keep me company as long as time allows. how just your smile and the way you look at me, spells your love. the thought of your touch, my knees still go weak. your voice, the way you call me baby, the assurance you bring. the confidence that I knew you loved me. that no one can take that away from me, no matter what changes tomorrow will be. 


I want to be loved by you again. just you. and I want to be yours again. but I know, the answer is no. and that's what I struggle to accept everyday. 


I wish for your happiness. but I contradict myself because I also wish you would find happiness with me by your side. and since that's not possible, I need to learn to let go and let you find your own happiness. 


I'll always long for you. 


love, yours.