It's nearly 1am and on a normal day nowadays, I'm fast asleep. 

Been a while since I've had time to myself like this. 

Life can just throw things down your throat and before you know it, you don't even realise that you have not had time to come up for air. Big decisions, weighing priorities, making sacrifices - it's all part of growing up, isn't it? 

I was recently at a training program, and it was two hours away from the city. On the drive back, we were all exhausted and to keep myself awake, I tried to pay attention to the radio - they were discussing urban development and the rising property prices. To my surprise, it kept me wide awake and it was actually - gasp - interesting! I thought to myself - a year ago, I would be so overwhelmed by these big and 'boring' topics that I would retreat back to my comfortable shell. How things have changed. 

One can never be too comfortable can they? Pfft. I don't think I have ever been given much chance to even BE too comfortable. Never in the same place for more than a couple of years, with varying - but always present - levels of reluctance each time. Call me a wimp but I still long to either be back in my hometown for good or if I really have to leave again, at least it's something I want and with the person I want to be with. 

Ah, such a typical self-entitled, unrealistically idealistic Gen-Y young adult. Screw that. In this day and age, opportunities don't just come knocking, most of them are lying around, waiting to be discovered. If I'm going to give less than my best, I might as well not go for it. We live in a generation of creators. Accessible information. Rapid innovation. There is so much that can be done within these areas. It's just a matter of breaking through, isn't it? 

home again

There is a strange calm that comes over me as soon as I step off the plane, back home. My mind clears up almost immediately and its as if I just left every burden in the overhead compartment above my window seat. 

It might be that the hustle and bustle of city life has taken a toll on me, and the slower pace here brings the calm I so desperately seek. It might be the new found appreciation for fresh air, sunlight on my face in the morning, a fat cat that purrs around you - always welcoming despite the months of absence, all the fond memories of a time with less worries. 

It's a rainy day again today in good 'ol Kuching town. Today's Chinese New Year eve. 

The flight I was on was filled with people coming home for the holidays. Some were obviously excited, some were obviously dragging their feet, haha. 

I met a familiar face at the airport, someone I'd like to think of as a little sister. She let out a little shriek of excitement, "you're back!". That was about to be the start of many mini reunions, I knew it. This time of the year has always been about meeting up and catching up. Christmas was always more for family, Chinese New Year for me was always more about friends. Probably cause I'm not Chinese. Haha. 

This year is gonna be different, though. 

Despite being together for more than two years now, because of the distance, I've never been home to celebrate Chinese New Year with my better half. I am kinda nervous, mostly with the fact that I'll be with his family, although not for the major family-only events. It's not my time yet, haha. I am also excited because, hey, I'll be with him, what's there to complain about? :) 

Ah, I just noticed there is no structure to this post at all. I just wanted to do a little update, I guess.  

Now I'm going to finish off my coffee, edit more photos, and get ready for lunch with my love :) Oh how I wish I had more days like these. 

The drastic change from the warmth of Christmas spent at home and then the solitude of being back in this big, cold city - I sometimes forget how distressing it can be. 

Daniela Andrade and pretty blogs keep me company while I try to gain some composure.  

Woke up utterly exhausted, in a feverish daze early this morning and called up sick.

Spent the rest of the day pretty much taking it easy (as tempted as I was to head out and get all errands done) and restricting work to anything that can be done on the laptop.

To keep me company were some Christmas carols and oh how I wish I could just be home right now. Last year's Christmas was probably the best I've had, family, friends, my love, a lot of church activities, carolling, presents, a full out dinner. I'm craving for that again.

Or just him to curl up with and watch Love Actually for the gazillionth time. Ugh. Send me home now please.

November

Currently hooked to Drake's "Hold On We're Going Home". No special reason, might have been that Ian Eastwood video, the Michael Jackson-esque beats and the lack of profanity in the lyrics.

Give it a listen :)

My one week getaway was the breath of fresh air I needed. Or a combination of many, many factors. 

I've somehow managed to overcome work fatigue. You could call it coming to terms with the situation, but keeping my eyes on the goals I want, and how I want to get there. 

If there is one thing I have learnt, it's that when it comes to the make-or-break decisions, the most important person to consult is myself. If I doubt myself, why would someone else be convinced?

I don't know about you, but too often I've made decisions for others. How would my parents react? What would my friends say? Will my boyfriend be okay with it? What can I offer my employer? How can I serve God better?

And as soon as I slip up, I beat myself up so badly, I end up wallowing in self pity, take forever to move on and find myself back where I started. I am my worst critic. 

This year has been the most times I've been asked, "What do you want?"

Sometimes, in frustration. Sometimes, with genuine concern. Sometimes out of plain curiosity. 

I used to think, "Does it really matter?" but after being asked so many times, I guess I really do come off as a lost child just lapping up whatever comes her way, eager to please, hoping for a break.

I've been supporting my boyfriend at his marathons, these past few months. And in those hours waiting for him to run past the finish line, whilst battling extreme anxiety and worry, I think a lot about what he is going through, about how people often compare marathons to life itself. 

All our formative years as a child, a teen, a young adult, we have been "in training". Some people start their race early, some start a little later. Either way, the road is the same, the challenges, for the most part, are the same. 

I've witnessed and learnt that despite the exhaustion and pain, it's possible with pure persistence and sheer will. Your bodies might probably crumble at a tiny nudge but that one important factor keeping it all together is the right state of mind, the right focus. 

Every time I greet my boyfriend past the finish line, part of me is in panic, hoping he will not collapse, another part of me is just swelling with pride at his achievement. At this point, he is at his weakest, physically. 

But his face lights up as soon as he lays eyes on me and he hobbles forward to give me a kiss, "I didn't want you to wait too long, so I wanted to finish the best I can." Really? After all that? I would have said "I just want to go home now." But no, that's usually the first thing he says to me. 

It often makes me think, when I am going through a difficult time, and the finish line seems like a long way off, how often do I keep my eyes forward and remind myself of what is waiting for me at the end? How strong is that determination to push me through? What is it that is at the end, actually? 

That is when I realize that everyone was asking the right question all along. What is it that I want? 

Do I know it? 

Good. 

Now chase it.