rush of words

A thousand things on my mind! And I shall not mention work because that is just depressing. Lists are always good when I need to speak up and write out : 


Recognition
It's really such a nice feeling to walk into the Student Union office and have people recognize you. I brighten up cause *gasp* they actually remember me! And extra points when they associate me to photography. Someone notices what we're doing! Yay! I can't even handle a DSLR properly. I just do film. I just want to know other photographers. I just want to learn too. And my job? I just run the club to the best I can. Yet having affirmation and having the key people in the Union know your name and what you do... I don't really know what I'm doing but there must be something right somewhere for this to happen. We got nominated for three categories for the STAR Awards! Under the Clubs and Societies category - Best New Club and Best Club (!) and under the Overall category we got nominated for the Best Group. How did we even reach that list? We did do a lot as a new club but then the other groups were huge, really established ones and we still made it to the nominations. I'm humbled. I'm grateful. 


Gill: *laughing* It was so funny, when you took the picture, the camera was so huge and you're so tiny, it was quite a sight! 
Me: ... Oh dear. Am I that small? *hides face in hands*


Change Is The Only Constant
Today, the last classes for my 3rd Year. This is insane. The next official class I have... Will be for my final year. Unless I do my Masters. Which is a whole different story. For now, the next academic year will be my last. Did time pass so fast? Gosh. How was the past year? It was progress from the last in terms of knowledge. I'm a bit more confident, I don't feel as clueless and absolutely blonde when it comes to the shipping industry, to the oil and gas industry. I still don't know as much but its not such a foreign topic anymore. I still struggle with my studies and it seriously frustrates the f out of me sometimes. But slowly things start to make sense, everything I've learnt so far is seaming together. I am actually looking forward to my 4th year project. I'm glad to do something I actually sincerely find quite interesting. 


Oh and how can I forget? I was mental enough to think of starting up the photography club. Me? I've got my head in clouds. I can't even give myself a proper direction, and I thought I could somehow give a whole club some sort of direction. But I have to say, I did gain a lot out of it. A lot of time and mental energy was sacrificed - you have no idea how much effort I put into writing emails, especially when you've had a particularly shitty day and you're trying to inject energy and enthusiasm into your words without going overboard with the exclamation marks and coming off as forcing a fake. And then no one replies and you feel like throwing things at everyone for not responding. But I know if I were on the receiving end, I'd probably do the same. So I suck it in. But the people I've known so far, the friends I've made and the various contacts I've made... Makes up for it. 


And I've gotten so much closer to my course mates. It feels nice to belong. In class, just having a laugh with the boys I've never spoken to before this year. Actually getting to know them a little better and going past the "hi-bye" phase and into the "comfortable-enough-to-poke-fun-at-each-other" phase. Its nice :) 


The Memory Of Italy. Anticipation For Summer Days. 
Its been so sunny lately. Walking to the library and seeing people lay on the grass and enjoy the sun, makes you slow down and smile a little. Although sometimes I think I appreciate the little things too much. I take my time. I get lost in my own mind. I should rush myself along just a little bit more. Snap into reality. Should I? Maybe now, when the exams are looming ahead. Get into my work mode. If I even have one. 


Oh summer! I can't wait. I miss those days in Italy. It was an adventure, truly. I loved it. I loved the times we had between the four of us. That really made the trip for me. It wasn't so much of the sights or the food or even the people. It was how we made the trip ours. It was how we took what we had and made the most out of it. 


On that note, I shall end this lengthy post. Enjoy a few pics from the trip!

The introduction to the beginning. 

part IV

Do you know those dreams where you just wander around, not really doing much, meeting people but never stopping long enough for them to embrace your company?

After he left, I just waited. I had a book with me.

I walked around. 
Like a child. 
Unaffected, looking at everything with hopeful eyes, with a spring in every step, with a smile. 

I met friends here and there, strangers to chat to, flowers to watch, sun on my skin. 
But those aren't important. 
I never even read the book that kept me company the whole time, I wasn't troubled at all. 
But that's not important. 

Because time passed, and I waited and I was filled with the sweet fulfillment, the confidence of having love and trust in your grasp. 

Such beauty in my imaginary world. 
So unknowing of what was to happen. 

That he never came back. 
Just like that. 
Like nothing ever happened. 

That I woke up and what's left was a hazy memory. 

Of watching each other drift away. 
Of slowly letting go, till only our fingertips touch. 
And then. 
The end. 

Drift away. 
Into nothingness. 

part III

I didn't realise, but in the midst of my thoughts, I fell back asleep.

I woke up again and the room was empty save one or two, looking hurried, like there was somewhere to go to. Something to do. I had no rush. I had no agenda.

My mind was troubled by what she said. What she meant. What she was trying to say. Why she even chose to speak to me.

My eyes rested on the far corner of the room, where he was. 

I rose from my bed. Walked to his. Sat gently next to him, touched his face. 

His eyes gently opened, he glanced at me and his face softened. He took my hand and moved, made space for me and he pulled me in, rested my head in that spot he knew I liked. We talked. The way we would in those misty mornings. 

His voice was enough reassurance. 

I don't remember how long we were just there, sharing a moment. It wasn't too long, but it comforted me. 

Then he remembered something he needed to do. There was someone he had to meet. I don't know why, but as he said that, fear crept into me. 

"Will you be gone long?"

"I don't know, but don't worry, I'll come find you okay?"

He saw the worry in my eyes. And he smiled at me.

It smoothed my fears away.

So I waited.

please. that's as close as you get. not now, not right now. the wounds have not healed. leave me be. i'm sorry. 

part II

The details escape me, the way dreams do.
But I do remember. 

In the dream, I woke up.

I was in a dorm, it was a bright morning, the shutters were all open and there was bustling activity. People were all around, chatting, laughing, a few girls on the bed there, some guys standing by the windows here, some walking with a toothbrush in hand and a little pail of toiletries. There were maybe 20 beds in the room?

I was in the far corner, near the windows. I was trying to get back to sleep. I didn't know anyone else in the room. I didn't feel like talking to anyone just yet. I wanted to wait until the crowd left the room.

I closed my eyes. Trying to shut out the noise around me.

I opened my eyes. The girl in the next bed stopped talking to her friends and turned around to me. She followed my gaze. I was looking to the opposite end of the room. The far corner, the furthest from me. He was there, fast asleep.

She looked at him too.

"He's a really good guy, you know."

I kept silent. I quickly looked away and looked down at my hands and I got a little fidgety. She went on, looking away with a smile on her face, as if talking to herself.  

"He used to do a lot for me. We had some good times together. Not anymore, and its sad but that's just the way it goes."

I was still silent. But I managed to look up at her. This time she looked straight at me. Her face showed no expression. She chose her words carefully.

"He may have made mistakes. Everyone does. But he's really a good guy. Just thought you should know."

And then a sadness crept into her face, all traces of her smile disappeared. Her eyes were downcast. 

We were silent for a while.

Then she turned back to her friends and left me alone to my thoughts.

part I

This was some time back. Things were muddled then, but I still had you. 

I was in bed. Sound asleep, curled up as always. It was quiet, save the gentle breaths of slumber.

Then a rustle. I stirred from the sheets, a tiny stretch and I curled back in. Eyes closed, I frowned, pulling the covers up again. In the lazy subconciousness between wake and sleep, thinking to myself..

That dream.. What was that dream now?

I tried to recall.
It was hazy.
I remember how it felt.
I was confused.
But I found comfort in my own company,
the way I always do.
I could wait,
the way I always do.

What was that dream now?
Wait..
Was it..

And my eyes shot open.
I remembered.

places we should have gone

it's been more than a week of travelling. if I had a soundtrack for the journey so far, it'll be from Songs for Cinema done for Wong Fu's "Places We Should Have Gone". 


the faces we've seen, the kind souls we've met, the harder hearts that left scratches in our own, the friendships tested, the beauty we've seen, the laughs, the frustration, the exhaustion. the self-discovery in the face of a foreign land. 


it'll be memorable not just for the sights and the postcard pictures taken. but the little healing gifts we've gained along the way, for the wounds that only an honest gaze in the eyes can reveal. 


we're down to our last city. my heart is heavy. I will be back. maybe start something new. he belongs in the past and he will stay there. I am back in the country that has helped me find myself, got myself back up on my two feet. 


I have so much to say, so much to write, so much to share, so little time. this time, I want to do something for myself. baby steps. 

the three

Springtime. It still gets gloomy and rainy and windy but it's not so bad, because you know it'll all pass. Its like a renewal period.


Today was a good day. The start of spring break! The daytime itself was a race. Procrastinator at work! But like the chilly winds of Glasgow, you just push through and remind yourself of what waits at the end of the road. After a chaotic trip to Paisley to pick up our InterRail tickets, the instant we reached home I was just relieved.


Did I mention that one of my favourite person is here in Glasgow? Meet Pao.

Its always good to have an extra familiar face around, especially at times where you just need someone to remind you of who you were. People who keep you grounded. 

I fell asleep as soon as I rested my head on the duvets in my cosy flat's living room. I am more than grateful for a place that actually feels like home. And having a house mate who happens to be my best friend. But Elaine was still in uni. So Pao and I had a nice dinner of pasta and white wine over WongFu videos and more catching up, talking about friends, plans, life. It was nice. If there is still any good left in this world, it'll be in her. 

Jiun called up. We were all supposed to have a night out. But he was tired, Elaine was busy and I just felt like lying down and enjoy some good company. His girlfriend was in town, he suggested we all go for a movie. Pao and I got ready to go out. I called Elaine. We met at the cinema. We all talked about our day. Jiun came. More laughter. A good day. 

I think if it wasn't for these two, I'd still be a complete mess. Good company really takes your mind off things. People always say, when there is complete silence and you're still comfortable, you know you're in good company. To the three mentioned above, thanks for understanding my silence and being there when I was ready to speak.


At my lowest point, I wanted to just fly home, go to my mum, hold her hand, hide in her embrace and be a child again. I was tired of taking care of myself and trying to be strong all the time. But when friends become your family, things start to really look up. And the people who caused the pain, you learn to let go. 

lotus flower
lotus eater
lotus seeds
winter spring summer
musically inclined?
ain't prerequisites
a little serious
a little laid-back
thinks
laughs
connects

need. escape.
need. lose. myself.
need. find. myself.
need. escape.