Not just a house, but a home.

I miss the cold, early morning light that filters through our living room blinds in my Glasgow apartment. That peeks from that one huge window in my little room. Twinkling on the carpeted floor right under my writing desk, growing gently to a bright ray bouncing off my door, coaxing me out of bed.

Cozy in the many layers of duvets and warm throws, a good mug of freshly brewed coffee, music drifting from my ancient laptop, staring at nothing in particular, thinking about nothing in particular, just being... There. Those precious private moments to myself, before being subjected to the demands of everyday life. 

I miss that little bit of peace and serenity I had, having a sanctuary, a safe area I will always be happy to come home to.

God, I know that letting it go was inevitable but.. Somewhere, sometime, can I have that again? 

Hopes are crushed. It hurts. We cry.

I weep because I took one step closer to my dream,
but now I've been swept away, back to where I started.

You weep because I took one step away from your dream,
but now you pulled me back and chained me to yours.

Wait, why are you weeping again?
You got what you want.
So, stop.

“Why do you worry in your difficulties? Be strong in me; look to your God in your most troubled hour, and you will be triumphant.”

I feel like another round of cafe therapy. It’s a bit awkward for me now that it’s the fasting month for the Muslims. I was once in KL, a few years back, for a short trip and it happened to be the fasting month. I was starving by the time the plane touched down, so as soon as I could, I went to the nearest fast food outlet and bought a meal to go. As I sat and ate, while waiting for a cab, I noticed people staring - no, not just those that were fasting. A young Chinese boy, pointed and me and asked, “Pa, why is she eating?”

Oh dear Lord. They all think I’m Malay. What was I thinking, eating publicly like that?!

Now, I’m working where there is a Muslim majority. It just occurred to me that I’ve never been in this position before.  I went to a Catholic school, then a private College and then I was whisked overseas. Back home in Kuching, people don’t bat an eyelid because they can tell that I’m a Dayak - can’t say the same for the communities in the Peninsular. I’m often treated like a novelty item when they realise my identity.

Oh well. Gotta live with it.

In other news,

I’m working out a plan for something I’ve always wanted to do.

It is quite scary, taking the plunge like this.

So many questions, running around.

Here we go. 

of sacrifice

I was having a quick catch up with a close friend recently.

We were talking about our personal commitments, our dreams, our sacrifices, our regrets. About how things have changed so much from when we were fresh out of university. It’s been a year? Those days felt like a dream.  

While we were studying, often times when shit happens, we feel like we’re forced to grow up too fast. We feel proud of our little achievements, that we have in fact, experienced life; that we’re not the naive graduates that we’re made out to be.

But everyone has different experiences. Mine’s probably not the same as yours. Your definition of “meeting different types of people” is probably not the same as mine. So we continue learning.

Here I am now, having to grasp aspects of life that I never gave much thought to in the past. When did I start casually discussing investment and saving plans again? Annual leaves and weekends are precious, the same way that every cent counts towards financial goals. It was a bit scary, noticing the change.

For all our “if-only” wishes, I mentioned to my friend, if anything, sacrifices and bad decisions have helped me realize what I really want to do with my life, and what matters. It gets you thinking.

It reaches a point where I realize that when you really set your eyes on your ultimate goal, sacrifices aren't so much of a burden anymore. That compromise is necessary. It’s inevitable towards success.

The crucial question is, “What is it that you want? Are you very sure? How much do you really want it?”

Because if it’s something that you really want, those sacrifices shouldn't hurt as much – you know that the satisfaction at the end of the day is worth much more than the sleepless nights, the ultra tight budget and the drastic lifestyle changes. One day you won’t even realize that you have been sacrificing that all along.

Of course, sacrifice isn't necessarily permanent. One has to live a balanced life. But that is another story in itself.

Your sacrifices are a reflection of your priorities. And your priorities are what make you the person that you are.

So, how much do you really want it?

What will you sacrifice? 

Priorities.

If there's one thing I've learnt, when life gets overwhelming, putting priorities in its rightful place, really helps.

Notice that I said rightful place. This could hurt, this might require sacrifice, this could mean going through varying levels of hardship, but it has to be done.

It's not something I'm very good at. But there are things bigger than my petty wants and needs. Things bigger than a fat paycheck and getting too comfortable with worldly satisfaction.

What are your priorities? What risks would you take?

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