November

Currently hooked to Drake's "Hold On We're Going Home". No special reason, might have been that Ian Eastwood video, the Michael Jackson-esque beats and the lack of profanity in the lyrics.

Give it a listen :)

My one week getaway was the breath of fresh air I needed. Or a combination of many, many factors. 

I've somehow managed to overcome work fatigue. You could call it coming to terms with the situation, but keeping my eyes on the goals I want, and how I want to get there. 

If there is one thing I have learnt, it's that when it comes to the make-or-break decisions, the most important person to consult is myself. If I doubt myself, why would someone else be convinced?

I don't know about you, but too often I've made decisions for others. How would my parents react? What would my friends say? Will my boyfriend be okay with it? What can I offer my employer? How can I serve God better?

And as soon as I slip up, I beat myself up so badly, I end up wallowing in self pity, take forever to move on and find myself back where I started. I am my worst critic. 

This year has been the most times I've been asked, "What do you want?"

Sometimes, in frustration. Sometimes, with genuine concern. Sometimes out of plain curiosity. 

I used to think, "Does it really matter?" but after being asked so many times, I guess I really do come off as a lost child just lapping up whatever comes her way, eager to please, hoping for a break.

I've been supporting my boyfriend at his marathons, these past few months. And in those hours waiting for him to run past the finish line, whilst battling extreme anxiety and worry, I think a lot about what he is going through, about how people often compare marathons to life itself. 

All our formative years as a child, a teen, a young adult, we have been "in training". Some people start their race early, some start a little later. Either way, the road is the same, the challenges, for the most part, are the same. 

I've witnessed and learnt that despite the exhaustion and pain, it's possible with pure persistence and sheer will. Your bodies might probably crumble at a tiny nudge but that one important factor keeping it all together is the right state of mind, the right focus. 

Every time I greet my boyfriend past the finish line, part of me is in panic, hoping he will not collapse, another part of me is just swelling with pride at his achievement. At this point, he is at his weakest, physically. 

But his face lights up as soon as he lays eyes on me and he hobbles forward to give me a kiss, "I didn't want you to wait too long, so I wanted to finish the best I can." Really? After all that? I would have said "I just want to go home now." But no, that's usually the first thing he says to me. 

It often makes me think, when I am going through a difficult time, and the finish line seems like a long way off, how often do I keep my eyes forward and remind myself of what is waiting for me at the end? How strong is that determination to push me through? What is it that is at the end, actually? 

That is when I realize that everyone was asking the right question all along. What is it that I want? 

Do I know it? 

Good. 

Now chase it. 

:)

I am back in my hometown and it's a perfect day to be safe and cosy at home. It's raining out, I'm in my room, surrounded by remnants of my teenage years and my childhood, The American Dollar is playing, a soft glow of sunlight fills the room and it just feels perfect to be writing.

There are days after work in KL that I just feel so tensed up inside, there's an uneasiness that no amount of phone calls, prayer, writing, walking or sleeping can shake off. It comes and goes but it's almost always there, like a bad conscience.

Arriving in the airport at an ungodly hour is remedied with sweet messages from him and a warm tight hug from my parents. Laughter and chatter all the way home.

It's always, always good to be back.

Looking around and saying, "Yes. This is it. This is comfort. This is home."

'It hasn't been what I hoped for'

It has been a while since a single song spoke straight to the heart, to my vulnerability. Straight past the silent, vacant exterior I've come to adopt.

A friend posted up recently, mentioning how the time after graduation needs some serious soul-searching. No more exams to work for, nothing to hide behind in times of doubt. Who are you? Who do you want to become? Are you really willing to give everything you have to get there?

For me, it means summoning up the courage to take a huge leap of faith, swallowing bitter truths, face obstacles head on and keeping my chin up, no matter what.

For me, it means always holding on to what I already have, so I won't be drowning in what I don't.

'Do you need something more than this?'

not much longer. coming up for air before diving deeper in.

a short escape from this tangled web. getting lost in unknown streets, a different language, a new landscape, and hopefully, a refreshed perspective. much of me is a bit nervous. trying not to think of what I have to come back to, but come back stronger, I will. I have to.

I want an ukulele.